Malibu Express (1985)

    Porn ‘tache sporting, neo-cowboy private investigator Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton) spends his days bedding ladies…including the likes of race car driver June Khnockers (Lynda Wiesmeier)…six ways to Sunday. But soon it’s the ol’ fuckus (temporary) interruptus as Cody accepts a case checking out the goings-on at the estate of the eccentric and rich A.F.  Lady Lillian Chamberlain (Niki Dantine) from her old gal-pal Contessa Luciana (the legendary Sybil Danning)…whom Cody immediately has sex with.

    Anyway, it’s a good thing Cody is on the case as Lady Chamberlain’s humble abode is packed to the rafters with infidelity, cross-dressing, murder, and the selling of government secrets to the Russians…which all leads to our hero becoming a prime target for hired assassins that would rather the family’s deep, dark secrets stay hidden. Now if only Cody could shoot straight…

    Malibu Express is one hell of a sparkling exploitation gem! Don’t believe me; look at this checklist of 42nd St/Drive-In awesomeness we are treated to over the flicks hour and forty-one minute run-time: nearly non-stop female flesh, souped-up cars, blood, bullets, atrocious A.D.R. work, a rondo redneck family who loves street racing, drag queens…the entire affair is a bubbling cauldron of un-P.C. perfection that is absolutely irresistible in it’s glorious absurdity (and as delightfully off-kilter as it is, it isn’t even the tip of Cody’s pe…I mean iceberg when it comes to Sidaris’ oeuvre…see below boils n’ ghouls)…oh, and it also contains a solid murder mystery plot to boot!

    Also included on the Blu-ray release from Mill Creek Entertainment is a solid collection of archival bonus material including an intro to the film from Sidaris (along with Julie Strain, who just can’t keep her breasts in her discount Xena outfit…to no one’s surprise…and Malibu Express actor John Brown), a collection of behind-the-scenes footage from the director’s films (also with Strain’s constant boob revealings, as well as promo for Brown’s tacky, fur ensconced,clothing line…wait until you slap your eyes on the jeans he’s cooked up…oh, and Strain pops her top there as well), trailers for all of the film’s in the “Malibu Bay” cycle, and a lively and informative commentary featuring Sidaris and his wife Arlene.

    Malibu Express is delirious Drive-In entertainment chock full of the Three (Un)Holy “B”‘s of exploitation cinema; boobs, blood, and bad guys…and it’s a hoot and a fuckin’ half from beginning to end!

    Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

    Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are top agents of…The Agency (?!!) who spend their days secretly patrolling Hawaii in skimpy khaki outfits, looking for any questionable goings on (although in the interest of honesty they spend a lot of their time getting naked too) while operating as pilots and tour guides as a cover.

    Soon out bosomy protagonists inadvertently intercept a crime lord’s diamond shipment and that rascal pulls out all the stops to make sure those girls will have a real short expiration date if ya can pick up what I’m puttin’ down. Thankfully, another member of the Abilene family…Rowdy (Ronn Moss) this go around, is there to lend his hard hittin’ support, along with his wise-assin’ martial arts expert pal Jade (Harold Diamond) in tow! Will this quartet (and their outrageous amount of weapons) be enough to rid Hawaii of it’s criminal element, or will evil have it’s day…or, and this is the most likely scenario…will the giant, mutated cancer infected, man-eating python devour the cast like said cast eats up the scenery?

    Much like it’s predecessor Mailbu Express, Hard Ticket to Hawaii is one ludicrous motion picture…actually even more so! I mean along with all of the boobage and bullets you’d expect, you also get so very, very much more! Where else can you see a blow-up sex doll taken out by a rocket launcher, a skateboard riding assassin, killer Frisbees, a mutant snake, a cross-dressing spy, and detailed explanations on the effects of vitamins (and oh so much more) all in one film? Fuckin’ nowhere, that’s where…and that is why this flick is pound for pound one of the most entertaining exploitation films ever to grace the sinful silver screen!

    As with Mailbu Express, Mill Creek entertainment have packed this Blu-ray release with some choice bonus content as well. First up we get an intro from Writer/Director Andy Sidaris along with Julie Strain (who manages to keep her tits contained for once), followed by another fun and informative audio commentary from Sidaris and his wife Arlene (who produced the picture). Following that comes a selection of behind the scenes material including Sidaris showing off memorabilia from his productions (annnd…there’s Strain’s naked boobs again)…as well as archival interview and production footage, and the trailer collection also featured on Mailbu Express.

    Hard Ticket to Hawaii is not only an outstanding exploitation vehicle featuring scads of naked flesh, explosions, and off-the-wall elements galore…I’d also say that it is the ultimate Andy Sidaris flick as well; and that is one high compliment indeed!

    Teen Movie Hell (2019)

    When I was a young dude I consumed mass quantities of horror, sci-fi, and raunchy teen comedies with equal aplomb, and man believe me when I say that I could have used a tome like Mike McPadden’s Teen Movie Hell to help me sail those overcrowded seas of the latter category and give me the most for my rental dollar…and make no mistake, I’m talking about the sex quotient…we had no internet in them thar Dark Ages so we had to undertake epic quests to see the fabled tit or two!

    What McPadden and his chums offer here is a history and analysis of the genre (with some excellent essays including material from one of my fav experts of genre cinema; Kat Ellinger who always teaches this ol’ demon dog new tricks); but the lion’s share of the titillating tome is devoted to an A to Z list of over-sexed flicks from the well known to the obscure, and all points in-between (with the best examples coming from the glorious ’80’s where I spent the brunt of my misspent youth mentioned up yonder)!

    As you may very well imagine, the main thing that will intrude into your mind as you peruse these pages is the fact that a solid 99.9% of the film’s featured prominently in this bodacious book would never, ever be green-lit or excepted by mainstream society these days.

    Is that a bad thing? I have no idea; I lived in a different age where no one took offense at every off-color element of pop culture, and I am notoriously hard to offend…and I adore exploitation flicks…I guess I’ll leave it at “Your mileage may vary” if you choose to explore the flicks under McPadden and co.’s microscope.

    To put a nice bow on it; Teen Movie Hell is an invaluable guide to those halcyon days when raunch ruled the roost…and I can nearly guarantee it will make you seek out the flicks contained within it’s pages…and there’s no higher praise I can give than that!

    Kiss Kiss (2019)

    Workin’ gals (read “strippers”…as if you couldn’t guess from the following character names) Kiss (Natascha Hopkins), Kurious (Janey Bolina), and Treasure (Tamra Dae) attend a wine tasting with their new friend Thirsty…just busting your ass; her name is Tia (Nathalia Castellon)…but that sip n’ nip foray turns into a nightmare as our heroines imbibe too heartily and soon awaken to find themselves at the mercy of ex-special forces nutjob Gibson (Robert Wagner) who is fixin’ to prove his science experiments Fortune (Kylie Rae) and Dream (Kiersten Hall) are the best enhanced fighting machines known to mankind as he pits our titillating trio against his creations in no holds barred combat. Good thing those ladies are as good at kicking ass as they are at spreading it for a buck! There’s also a giraffe.

    Kiss Kiss is a flick about strippers whipping ass…so you know this is some self-aware, pure exploitation flick cheese served up just the way we like it! We get scantily clad women displaying actual martial arts prowess (no surprise as some of these comely lasses are actual MMA fighters), and a bare-bones plot (courtesy of Writer/Director Dallas King) that keeps the momentum flowing and the comic book story points ever at the fore.

    This is beer and a burger cinema cranked up to the nines and it’s refreshing to see something wear it’s Drive-In/Grindhouse roots on it’s sleeve without getting art school precious about it.

    As for special features, this DVD from Cleopatra/MVD Entertainment comes surprisingly stacked! Included are a quartet of featurettes detailing various aspects of the film’s production, a collection of deleted scenes, two audio commentaries (one featuring King and Wagner, and the other featuring King and Cinematographer Jason Knutzen…both equally listenable and full of anecdotes and facts about the creation of Kiss Kiss), cast dossiers, stills, and the film’s trailer.

    To sum it up; throw on Kiss Kiss, spark one up or pour a generous portion of your fav adult beverage, and let all of that sweet exploitation flick goodness wash over you!

    Soul Team Six (1970 – 1978)

    Those rascals over at Mill Creek Entertainment (a familiar name in this column this go around, eh boils n’ ghouls?) have grabbed themselves a heapin’ helping of blaxploitation lesser lights and slapped them on two DVD’s and sent them out the door at an irresistible price (seriously, just click that title above and see what your’s cruelly is blabbin’ about)!

    Included in this hard hittin’ compilation are the following flicks:

    The Black Six (1973): When a black high school student gets murderized for gettin’ lovey dovey with his white classmate, his bro teams up with the bad-ass black biker gang (the eponymous The Black Six) of which he is a member and sets course straight down revenge road!

    Directed by legendary exploitation director Matt Cimber (he of G.L.O.W. fame), this is a grindhouse rarity; a black-centric biker pic, and it’s an enjoyable romp to be sure…especially with it’s outstanding finale!

    The Black Gestapo (1975): A People’s Army is formed in Watts to confront the rising tide of Mafia action on the city streets…but soon in-fighting threatens to destroy the squad!

    This is pure exploitation excellence! I mean you get naked female flesh, castration, black dudes dressing like Nazis…and plenty of over-the-top nastiness! Honestly, this is the crown jewel of the collection, and worth the price of admission on it’s own!

    Black Brigade (1970): During World War II, a black army company is tasked with making a German dam go boom…only problem, the cats lack experience and are lead by a racist son of a bitch. Can they defy the odds and come out on top?

    This was actually a TV movie (Co-Written by Aaron Spelling no less), and tends towards the melodramatic…though some of the action is decent enough. The main attraction with this one is the cast which includes the likes of Richard Pryor and Billy Dee Williams.

    Black Fist (1974): Leroy makes the green livin’ the life of a street fighting man and working for the mob. He soon hits the jackpot from one of his fights and opens his own club; but the mob want his ass in a sling and takes things out on Leroy’s family. Revenge ensues.

    to be blunt, this is kind of a shit film…but the performances of Miami Vice‘s Philip Michael Thomas make for some enjoyable, over-the-top fun.

    The Black Godfather (1974): J.J. has worked his way up to nearly controlling all crime action on the mean streets save for the Mafia controlled heroine trade. So, our “hero” decides to take on the Mafia…usually a solid, “no problem” kind of affair…

    This is not the best produced flick out there; but for what it was it wasn’t horrible…is that a positive? Yes?

    Fighting Mad (1978): A soldier headin’ home from ‘Nam is double-crossed and left for dead somewhere on a remote Pacific island. Thankfully that locale is home to two Japanese soldiers stranded there since WWII, and they train our hero in the ways of the samurai so he can exact revenge on the bastards that fucked him over!

    As much as I loved The Black Gestapo and The Black Six; Fighting Mad is one hell of an entertaining, action-packed romp! This is the type of picture that could only have come from the era when the rat infested theaters of 42nd Street showed all manner of off-the-wall insanity, and I absolutely ate it up!

    Make no mistake; these features have not been cleaned up in any way; and there’s a few clunkers in the bunch…but for the price there is plenty to love with this release!


    Daniel XIII
    Daniel XIII; the result of an arcane ritual involving a King Diamond album, a box of Count Chocula, and a copy of Swank magazine, is a screenwriter, actor, artist, and reviewer of fright flicks…Who hates ya baby?

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