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    As if the premise of The Emoji Movie wasn’t vapid or insulting to those who think and breathe like mammals, they’ve gone and thrown Shakespearean actor, Enterprise captain, award winner, Grammy nominee Sir Patrick Stewart into the project as a mobile metaphor for the film, according to a tweet from Sony Picture’s official Twitter. The character “Poop” is just one of the many emojis that one can find on their iPhone, and just one of the characters that Sony Pictures have squeezed out. The character can be seen with a tie and a grin that could be called “shit-eating” had it not been too on-the-brownnose. Along with this new character, Sony Pictures provided an official synopsis of what the story for this film may entail:

    “The Emoji Movie unlocks the never-before-seen secret world inside your smartphone. Hidden within the messaging app is Textopolis, a bustling city where all your favorite emojis live, hoping to be selected by the phone’s user. In this world, each emoji has only one facial expression – except for Gene, an exuberant emoji who was born without a filter and is bursting with multiple expressions. Determined to become “normal” like the other emojis, Gene enlists the help of his handy best friend Hi-5 and the notorious code breaker emoji Jailbreak. Together, they embark on an epic “app-venture” through the apps on the phone, each its own wild and fun world, to find the Code that will fix Gene. But when a greater danger threatens the phone, the fate of all emojis depends on these three unlikely friends who must save their world before it’s deleted forever.”

    The Emoji Movie will herald the destruction of decency, rationality, and free will come August 4th, 2017. Sir Patrick Stewart’s motives are mysterious, and the whole deal reeks of corporate stink. Some believe that his performance will be forced, as he couldn’t be arsed to do anything else. Other theorize that his role stems from an old thespian tradition, where all roles must be accepted for the value of the ensuing learning experience. Sony provided this corny proposition, and Sir Patrick Stewart had to (toilet) roll with it. Perhaps the script was dumped on his lap. Perhaps the role of Poop runs through his genes, the way diarrhoea runs through people’s jeans. Perhaps, in a turd of events, this entire endpiece was just a way of Kieran, Nat, and I to air out as many poo jokes as possible. Perhaps. But in 2017, Sir Patrick Stewart may find himself at the butt of many “Jean-Poo Picard” jokes when he makes a splash in August.

    John Farrell
    Friend of gamers, roleplayers, and audiophiles, John (Jack) is a screenwriter based out of the US of A. He has done work with GameChops, an electronic/chiptune music label, and is working on two animated series with his friends.

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