Weaponry in video games holds just as much importance as a main character or plot. They can often influence how fun gameplay is, as well as adding variances to play style. As well thought out as weapons in games can be, however, sometimes developers can’t resist adding something completely ludicrous to our arsenals for the sake of comedic effect. Like it or not, the ten-year-old in all of us loves to see violence being carried out by the use of household objects and animals for ammo (don’t tell PETA). So here are 10 of our favourite hilarious weapons that have shown up in gaming over the years.
10) A Big Purple Dildo – Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Okay, let’s get this one out of the way.
Sex toys are inherently funny, even when not being used to bludgeon someone. I’m sure we all had that friend that accidentally found a family members’ secret stash and proceeded to show excitement, although I did have weird friends as a child. So when we found a ridiculously sized purple phallic object in the San Andreas Police Department shower room, childish hilarity ensued. The nature of the Grand Theft Auto games also adds to how funny a dildo weapon actually is; I mean, when you’re using Ann Summers products to defend yourself in a world of crime, the comedy practically writes itself.
9. The Tuna Cutlass – Skies of Arcadia
Being slapped in the face with a big fish is as old a comedy trope as the cream pie or the water gun flower, so we can’t ignore the fact that you can wield a tuna as a sword in an RPG. Skies of Arcadia describes the weapon as ‘a smelly weapon’, which is something you’ll rarely read on an items’ description. The Tuna Cutlass is a typical joke weapon, having low stats for accuracy but a modest attack power. It’s definitely an amusing scenario; a feared air pirate, staring down their enemy while they wait for their traditional turn to attack, all the while annoying your party members with the distinct smell of freshwater fish.
8. Johnson – Shadows of the Damned
Guns in themselves, no matter what the design, aren’t specifically silly, especially in a video game. However, when you consider that the protagonist of Shadows of the Damned uses his quirky demon sidekick as a pistol, it does seem a little off the wall. Garcia’s demon sidekick ‘Johnson’ is a floating skull with a mismatched London accent, who also serves as a demonic handgun. His sarcasm and pedantry serve as a bit of comic relief in between the action movie style dialogue of Garcia, which adds to the silliness of a talking gun existing in the first place. This weapon looks especially funny when Johnson speaks in pistol form, as the skull on the barrel basically starts flapping like a demented Jim Henson creation. Johnson also turns into a motorbike and a torch, just in case being a talking gun wasn’t daft enough already.
7. The Dubstep Gun – Saints Row IV
If you thought a talking demonic gun was a bit odd, then how about a gun that fires rays of weaponised dubstep? It was hard to escape dubstep in the late 2000’s, with the likes of Skrillex being more popular than the kid with a Neo Geo at school. It was only natural that Saint Row IV used the chaotic sound of dubstep in their over the top game, but to use it as ammunition is just another level of crazy. There are not one, but THREE dubstep guns in Saints Row IV, all of which fire beams of pure bass that cause victims to dance uncontrollably. The beams from the gun also pulsate to the beat of the music, which makes shooting up pedestrians look like a Deadmau5 gig.
6. The Blitzkrieg – Dead Rising 2
The Dead Rising series is full of wacky enemies to smack the undead with, such as a Super Soaker and a novelty foam finger. There’s something especially manic however about the Blitzkrieg, which is essentially a wheelchair machine gun hybrid named after a German military tactic. The fact that you can zoom around like a homicidal Professor X at the speed of a standard wheelchair is a pretty spectacular affair, made even funnier with broody Chuck Greene on board. The chair is created by combining a standard wheelchair with a battery and a machine gun, as you probably expected. What you probably didn’t see coming though is that this chair of destruction will even taunt zombies with a built-in voice box which such classic lines as “Take this you ugly son of a bitch”. Why would you need anything more in an undead nightmare?
5. The Hand Cannon – Dead Space 2
This is definitely the most out of place weapon on the list. Dead Space is one of the only games that I’ve felt had an effective horror atmosphere, alongside Silent Hill 2 and Barbie Explorer on the PlayStation One. With grotesque necrotic monsters and eerie dead wife ghosts tormenting our hero Issac in the depths of space, you can imagine why having a big foam finger as a gun is just nonsense. You can obtain the Hand Cannon as a reward for finishing the game in hardcore mode and is actually pretty powerful. This absurd unlockable will instantly kill any creature and is also a deadly melee weapon, as why wouldn’t you smack things with it? All Issac needs now is a hot dog and a cold one to go with his deep space trauma.
4. The Fat Man – Fallout 3
Not to bring politics into this, but nuclear weapons are silly. The mere fact that the world of Fallout has been devastated by, well, nuclear fallout, should be enough to teach us to not play with weapons of mass destruction. Yet, here we are, walking the vast wastelands with a miniature nuclear launcher, not a care in the world. The blast radius after firing a shell from this monstrosity will be irradiated, which really hits home that firing it is a bad idea. The Fat Man is actually named after a real atomic bomb used by the US on Nagasaki in 1945, which put a real grim tone on this weapon — until you realise that the reloading sound is a clip of the lunch bell at Bethesda’s studios. Anyway, nuclear weapons are bad, free healthcare is good and Fornite is overrated. That’s my political rant over with.
3. The Cow Launcher – South Park
Okay, so hilarious weapons are obviously going to be in a South Park game. This one just pays homage to how great South Park is in general. Even the phrase cow launcher is making me laugh, imagine having a cow launched at you? It’s just a ridiculous affair. There’s not even much more to say about this one — it’s a cow launcher.
2. Cat Shotgun – Postal 2
Cat lovers, I apologise. Postal 2 is complete filth in game form and is designed to make the player want to be despicable. I mean you could be civil and go for groceries and other trivial tasks, or you could commit feline-enhanced shotgun murder. The cat shotgun is as simple as it sounds: it’s a cat, with a shotgun stuck where the sun doesn’t shine. Weirdly, firing the shotgun doesn’t seem to kill the cat until you run out of ammo. The actual in-game purpose of doing this to a cat is to use it as a silencer, which considering the fact that it mews upon firing, makes me doubt its effectiveness. I’m pretty sure the Egyptians would be mortified of this games use of cats, so let’s distract them with all those 90’s virtual cat pet games that haunt my slumber.
1. Sir Dan’s Arm – MediEvil
This is definitely the best weapon on this list. MediEvil perfectly captures the comedy and horror all in a neat little adventure slasher package. Sir Daniel Fortesque is a goofy sweetheart, just trying to redeem his name as a hero in the eyes of his home of Gallowmere after being the first to die in an epic battle. The hilarious thing about Sir Dan is the fact he’s dead and couldn’t care less — to the point where using his own arm as a club is just standard practice. I mean, the fact he can easily detach his arm and use it to beat the undead raises so many questions: Does it not hurt? What happens if it breaks? Who even gave him the idea in the first place? It just shows how much of an optimist Sir Dan secretly is, making the most of being a rotten corpse with no jaw and one eye, by weaponising his own limbs. The fact that Sir Dan actually has a sword at the beginning of the game makes the option of using his arm even more ridiculous. It does, however, add to why MediEvil is a timeless classic.
There are probably plenty more silly weapons out there in the world of gaming, so let us know if you have any favourites that should have been on this list. We might even bring you another list with your suggestions in the future!