I’ve always loved the movie Scream and its sequels. Probably because it was the Halloween of my generation. And like Laurie Strode for those before me, Sidney Prescott will ALWAYS be my “Scream Queen” forever love. I never get tired of watching her and these films. She is arguably more important to these movies than whatever psycho of the moment has taken on the mantle of the iconic Ghost-Face.
But the other day in the shower, for whatever reason, my train of thought brought me Scream. And from there, Scream 2 and Scream 3 and Scream 4. Before long, I was shaking my head. Whatever suspension of disbelief I had for these sequels (possibly fueled by a deep boyhood love and nostalgia) was terribly eroded beyond repair.
The question continues to echo, spoken from my voice of reason: “Who in their right mind after at least two separate slasher attacks wouldn’t buy a gun (legally or illegally)?” I find it terribly hard to believe that she does not have a gun at this point. You can forget about whatever she feels politically regarding gun control, because there have been multiple incidents when she was stalked by multiple killers conspiring to kill her and successfully killing everyone she knew. These sequels must go to trial.
Scream 2 can get a pass, because after Billy and Stu’s failed attempt to finish what they had started a year prior with Sidney’s mother Maureen – Who could have possibly foreseen that Billy’s own mother would convince a film student put the masks on and take revenge for the death of Billy? – one would assume that would be the end of it. I suppose she does take baby steps by learning how to use *69… And surely, as the camera cranes away on Sid as she gracefully walks across the lawn of her blood splattered university, the song “She Said” by Collective Soul starts to play and you would say, “Yeah, she is SO on the way to go to Walmart and buy herself a couple of guns… Just in case”. I’ll give it a pass.
Scream 3 is where ambiguity and disbelief begin to truly set in. One could argue that Maureen’s death, Scream, and Scream 2 were part of one drawn-out contained incident, but I think Sidney would have bought a gun by now. Or in the very least changed her name. So what if Billy’s mom is dead? She managed to convince a guy like Mickey to help her MURDER people for revenge! Does Sid really believe that it isn’t beyond the possibility that there would be copy cats?! The original plot to Scream 3 ended up becoming the TV series The Following with Kevin Bacon. Essentially, a Stab cult/fan club following of Ghost-Face killer copycats stalk Sidney and in another draft she is stalked by Stu once again. Pretty crazy. That would be enough to send any one off the edge.
In the end, she had a long lost half brother that apparently had been waiting the whole time in the shadows since the murder of their mother and setting all of these events in motion… Boy, the psychos really know how to come out of the woodwork. Despite all of this, Sid merely holds a private phone number and a crummy wooden gate outside of her house. Clearly this puny gate is a metaphor for Sidney’s psychological state and how she is closed off to the real world. But no Gun! Not even a can of mace. Come on.
Apparently even after killing her brother, closing the remaining unfinished family business and happily watching Deputy Dewey and Gale become engaged, Sidney feels very, very comfortable. Comfortable enough to leave her literal and metaphorical wooden gate OPEN!? The End?! Far from it.
Scream 3 gets NO PASS from me and further more, I call SHENANIGANS!!!
And then there is Scream 4. What is sadly, probably the final Scream. And I suppose it should be. At this point, Sidney has a PROVEN HISTORY where psychotics stalk her, dress up as the Ghost-Face and attempt to do what no Ghost-Face could do before: Kill Her.
Surely she would own a gun. But she still does not. I think she may have taken some self-defence courses, but COME ON. No gun? Perhaps she has a death wish? Perhaps it is in fact the politics behind owning a gun and her stance on gun control. But I would imagine by now that she had come to her senses: That EVERY unlikely scenario that extremist gun enthusiasts fantasize about is, in fact, actually happening to her! Sidney, wake up, you are not waiting for an eventuality. They really are coming to get you.
This movie will never work for me. The moment she sees a Ghost-Face wielding the hunting knife, she should (without hesitation) pull a 9mm Baretta from her jacket or purse or ankle and blow that Ghost CLEAR OFF the killer’s face. This movie has to be damned. Damned to Hell. By both “Real” logic and “Reel” logic. Scream 4, I sentence you to death by serialized MTV TV show with multiple seasons. And that SHOULD be the end of that.
But it is not.
There is a problem: I care way too much about Sidney for this to be the end of her. She has been through a lot and as I mentioned above, she is way more important than the killers stalking her. We all love Sidney and want her to have a happy ending. So, the Scream movies NEED to continue. But let’s take out the Ghost-Face-of-it-all… How about if the last two movies are Rom-Coms? Or something along the lines of Friends?
In Scream 5, Sidney frequents a quiet little coffee shop somewhere in her new home of Portland, Oregon. It is far, far, away from Woodsboro, California and her past. There, she lives under an assumed name like Selena Campbell (or something) and works on her definitive memoir under her real name. During the week, she volunteers as a crisis counselor for domestic abuse victims. After work, Selena frequents a gun range where she works tirelessly to get a good grouping on her paper targets, despite the fact that she perfectly capable of a bullseye between the eyes as we’ve seen with both Billy and his mother. One day, Selena meets a fellow crisis victim who has been through a similar ordeal. How about his name is Ted? Together they explore a mutual attraction through various trials and tribulations until they realize that it is meant to be and fall in love. At the end, Selena gets married – Gale and Dewey come to the wedding with their kids. Everyone is happy. The End.
Scream 6: The Final Stab finds Sidney, Ted, and their twins – Tatum and Rand – embroiled in some old drama that has reared it’s ugly head. Sidney has to pack up the family and head back to Woodsboro to team up with Gale and Dewey to sue a Hollywood studio. The studio has opted out of remaking Stab (the movie within a movie) to instead do a straight biopic about Sidney.
The movie includes a rag tag sub-plot of Dewey and Ted trying to coach Randy and Tatum’s soccer team to the championship game. Sidney frequents a gun range twice as often because she needs to be sharp because she back in Woodsboro. She also keeps a minimum of three guns on her at all times. The movie climaxes in a massive trial with Sidney, Dewey, and Gale winning the lawsuit and preventing the biopic from happening and letting old, painful history stay dormant. The movie ends with everyone moving to NYC because of a really great deal that Gale gets on two matching apartments (across the hall from each other). Gale’s grandma has passed away and left her the apartments. Sidney is rich from the sales of her book and Gale becomes a Chef. Dewey gets into acting and they all live happily ever after.
And the legacy of Scream ends. Not with a bloody finish, but a happy, feel-good ending. And if you really, really need to know more – just assume that the gang gave up the big bad city for a nice suburb in Westchester, NY (near Xavier Academy).
BONUS – Scream Stats, with NO MENTION OF GUNS!
So, would you like to see Sidney meet her dream man and live out her happily-ever-after in the land of romantic comedy? Or would you like to see another copycat appear and finish off the work the others started? Let us know in the comments below.